Man, it's been a while.

I don't even know what to say anymore here XD. Actually, I'm thinking of deleting this journal and starting fresh again as a completely new person.

Maybe it'll work. Maybe not. I'm always trying out new things XD. It's fun.

I don't even know why I'm posting this XDDD. I'm not even supposed to be on the computer right now. I'll post something better later. Just guess wanted to say I'm still alive XD.

Wow I have soooo much to catch up here.

( The Catch Up: It's long XD )

It's been a while. I'm not sitting in another Burger King using their internet once again.

Last two days have been...evil. I've been using money like crazy AGAIN! This habit will end.

The garage sale never happened and probably wont happen. Got in touch with my older brother again and he made it seem like it doesnt make sense. Though since it made alot of sense before, I dont trust my senses anymore.

In other news, the main reason im posting, I need to rant about C.S. Lewis and his Chronicles of Narnia books. They're too freaking short!!


I just finished Prince Caspian today and I'm wondering how the hell are they going to make a movie when barely anything happens. Not only that, but no real detail to sink my teeth into. But okay, the ideas are pretty damn cool. But there's this other thing. Before i read these books, I didnt notice the biblical references to it. But then when heard there were plenty, I've started to look for them. HOLY COW! There's LOADS. And unfortunately, it takes away the pleasure really. Though I think there's more references in Prince Caspian then there was in Lion, Witch and the Waredrobe.

Also...okay lets say thats the epitome of christian fantasy and lets say Golden Compass (which I also finished reading)is the epitome of atheist fantasy (...i wouldnt exactly say that...more like christian-hating fiction XD). Golden Compass, though there are alot of meaningful metaphores and meanings in it, some of it is deep and hard to see or understand (though there was one point where it was obviously mocking the Church), but it was so rich with details and plot twists I didnt care. It was a good story. It even criticized science so it isnt all that bad. Narnia is a great story when it comes to imagination and fantasy, but OMG does it need more plot twists and more character development or rather, I want to get into their skins better.

But both shared this one little thing I didnt like. They were both too cold when it came to emotions and people dying or getting hurt. The human characters never really got too emotional (well okay Lyra did, but not as much as I wanted to during the finale). And...I dont know. Something about them both urks me.

Guess this is Harry Potter beats them both! XDDD

Day One without internet.

I'm currently at a Burger King. I would have rather used the internet at the college since I wouldnt have to buy anything, but the library was closed and I had promised myself internet if I jogged/walked for half an hour, which I did. So here I am XD.

Today, I plan on FINALLY starting the major organization project of my workroom/office. Actually, for the next several weeks, I shall try to entertain you as I start and finish projects.

The first is organization/cleaning, the second will be the garage sell. Then the website (that one is going to be interesting XD) and then my book (s). Lets see how it goes.

My first day without internet has been interesting. It felt like a had a billion hours on my hands for some reason XD. I went to bed, but couldn't sleep much (though I did eventually had a weird dream I cannot remember at the moment) and then woke up around 5:30am completely awake.

So I go to the dinning table, write three pages of my thoughts (if you read Artist Way or The Right to Write by Julia Cameron, you'll know these are called Morning Pages), then affirmations with tea, visualization (i only want to do this for 5 minutes, but I always go over XD) and then I went to the track, jogged/ran for 30 minutes and then went home for a shower (i wold have gone to the internet nearby, but like i said it was closed XD).

Breakfast would be included somewhere in there in the future lol. Also cleaning, but since im doing a major cleaning projecttoday, I decided not to.

Okay, I have to go off now before my battery dies. See ya later.

I did something today, I never thought I would be able to do. Or at least, be able to do myself.

( Big Life Altering Decision!! XD )

Change is in the wind....

You know what's frustrating? When you decide to do one thing and then later discover all these things why you shouldnt, and so you change your mind, thinking it's the best thing, but then months later, after you go after what your heart truly desires, you find out really that because you didn't start to prepare sooner and pretty much depended on fate and a miracle, you actually have to do it after/through the first way you had originally thought was the right way but made up all these reasons not to do it because you didn't want to, but now realize you have to or there's no hope, so basically you wasted a year just doing mistakes and wasting a whoole lot of money and becoming very broke.

The lesson here: Learn as much as possible, do not be ignorant about important things just because it's too much hassle or it's not fun to face reality, and never rely or depend on an outcome that is solely dependent on luck and fate.

If I had researched before time and realize how fucking hard it is to get a large loan with basically nothing (actually you'd think this would be common sense...apparently i need some of that as well) and actually LOOKED INTO getting a credit card without a cosigner or previous credit besides from my loser bank right when I first got back from Florida and started building credit then, I might have been able to have enough positive credit by now to get the loan I needed to go NOW.

But because of my ignorance and simple stubbornness to look at the scary aspects of real life, I wasted a year and will probably have to wait TWO MORE before I get what I want.

Fear and ignorance (which i think is caused by fear) are dream killers.

Last night I got a flat tire and I'm now about to go out and see if I can fix it at a very low cost cause I'm broke. Actually, I'm really trying not to freak out about this cause my financial situation is shaky.

Now I go only and check my email where I receive my daily horoscope. Yes, I do believe in them and you should too. Why?

Here's today's horoscope for me:

Thursday, Apr 3rd, 2008 -- You might need to pick up an unexpected expense today, whether it's a repair bill or an impulsive purchase. If it's not in your budget, it could wreak havoc on your financial condition. On the other hand, you could get lucky and receive a cash windfall. Either way, your checking account may not be as stable as you wish. No matter what happens, do your best to take it in stride.


*plays theme of the Twilight Show*

Freakily accurate if you ask me...It doesn't make this much sense ALL the time, but this time it hit the nail right on the head.

*now goes to take it in stride*

It has been nearly a month since I've last posted here. Alot of things going down. Not going to actually go into any of it, not until I'm absolutely SURE I know it's happening. I hate saying something and then eating my words later.

For now, here's just a list of the goals I want to accomplish by the end of the month:

- Pay $500 deposit.
- Know exactly what I need to do to finance higher education
- Write a short book (self publish) or complete rough draft of AoW
- Have a successful Garage Sell
- Earn/Make $1000 outside work
- Pay off VA Debt
- Launch Role-playing Forum
- Have full idea of my financial situation
- Become financially literate/Read "Rich Dad, Poor Dad".
- Back on track with Flylady
- Back on track with Success Principles Coaching
- Scan all sketches to my ConceptArt.org sketchbook
- Turn the Dinning Room into a Bedroom/Office
- Entered at least 4 scholarships
.....

Holy cow that's a whole lot of goals XDD. You should see my monthly planner XDD

You know what's silly. I bought this weekly planner a while back and I never used it. I always tried to use it, thinking eventually I'll pick it up. But the thing is...when I use loose leaf paper to make my schedules instead, I find myself keeping to them more XDD.

It's like a child who rather play with the box than the expensive toy.

Okay I just finished SERIOUSLY planing myself and my day. Lets hope this works! ^_^

Alright, i'm off to bed now. Night!

Oh, can anyone give me the link to the WriYe forums? I lost it when I stopped using Aol. Thanks!

Today I started reading "The Four Agreements" and suddenly everything made sense again.

Did I ever say here that I'm too hard on myself? Well, yes I often am. Plenty of times actually.

I read the prologue and first chapter of this tiny book and suddenly all made sense. It made so much sense, that I didn't want to leave the bed i was in when I read it cause I knew that once I stepped out into the world and got bombarded with information as I looked around my enviroment or went online, that clarity will fade away.

It kind of is already. Phooey.

I have alot to do today...

Well, actually I don't. Don't need to do a goddamn thing.

Everyone, especially the myself, tells me what I have to do, be, have, act and say in order to be...correct, to be normal. Who made these rules? Why do I have to do anything? And the truth is, I don't. I don't need to be anything. I am perfect the way I am.

Then I try to think. If I was perfect in everyway and didn't have any type of need whatsoever, what would I do to pass the time? Who would I be?

The answer is so simple and it's so glorious. But then the inner critic, the ego, the Judge, hell the Victim too, whatever it's called, comes in and fogs up my vision again.

"The house's a mess. You're not doing anything. Things are due. You want to be this, but you're acting like this. Do something!"

The worry rises, clarity gone.

Siigh.

I'm just going to end this crazy ass entry with just a reminder to myself.

I am Light. We are all Light. We are all God.

I'm going to pretend it's not midnight as I write this XD.

Today..or rather yesterday XD...I learned that once you stop doing something once, it's easy to never do it again.

I mean it. I used to have the Flylady morning and nigth routine nearly down, and I wrote here consecutively for 20 days. But all it took was one day where I forgot or it just slipped my mind or I just didn't feel like it, and it suddenly becomes nearly impossible to start again.

I wonder why it works like that. Is the brain rebelling? Maybe I should forget that I ever did it before and convince myself that the next time I do this it is for the very first time? Will it work then? Perhaps. Maybe not.

Ah well.

Last week was bad, but like always with the beginning of a new week, things look better.

I cleaned out my fridge and tried making a budget...but that was nearly impossible. To be able to save money as well as pay all my bills, with just my part time job paycheck alone, I have to spent only $15 dollars a week on groceries along and just $6.25 a week for entertainment.

That's insane, my friends. But perhaps I didn't calculate right. I'm not very good at math. But I did get an idea of what I spent and what I earned for the month of February. I overspent over 260 dollars. That is not good.

Funny how we never really keep track of these things. Well I don't anyways. No one really teaches you these things, they just expect you to figure it out on your own when you finally realize you have to or you'll go bankrupt.

Ah, well. I don't want to talk about money matters anymore.

On other matters, I'm trying to work with my camcorder again and try to VBlog on YouTube, but I'm having difficulty getting the camera to register on my computer and I am very lazy at the moment to figure it out once and for all.

Also, today I went grocery shopping. I'm really hope that I bought enough food to last me a month. I had to spend over $30 to do it. Gah. I wish this money business was much easier. Oh wait, we're not talking about money anymore XD.

I started playing FFXII again after giving it a short hiatus due to my irresponsible addictive behavior. One Esper was such a PAIN in the ass to fight. Died twice! The first time I've ever died since I played the damn game. But whats so funny is that the bosses after that one were much easier XD.

( Final Fantasy Geekiness Ensues )

Okay, enough of that. In other news, my writing has crawled to a halt and I'm now trying to get that back in gear soon enough. "Right to Write" is giving me lots of ideas and inspiration and I can't wait to get back into the game.

I think that's two days worth of information XD. Hopefully I'll be able to make another post tomorrow and start being consistent again. Yes. ^_^

Today I am a masochist.

I just agreed to work from 3pm-11pm tomorrow just so I can go out with my friends tonight.

I'm insane.

But then again, I get more money this way.

Today I did nothing, not even eat. I just stayed in bed the entire day.

Yesterday was awful, but I thought ended alright. But I guess it went into today as well.

I don't know. I hope this passes. This entire week has been a nightmare.

I feel like I'm making all the wrong choices...which I probably am and doing so consciously. GAH. Ah well....

I don't care. Doesn't matter.

I made my decisions. I'll just have to deal with them.

Today I'm so fucking sick at being called crazy!


It makes sense to me that if I feel "out of place" or bored, it's something tobe concerned about, not to be called crazy. Not wanting to repeat this state of mind, though also making sure it's not me just pmsing, is also NOT crazy.

I'm sick of my friends just not getting me...

Alright, the only productive thing I did today was go to work for five hours. And yet I'm going out.

I'm the most disciplined person in the world *scarcasm*

I gotta go now or I'll be late for my VERY entertaining trip out into the world *more scarcasm*

Today I'm mad at myself.

This is stupid!

I will not tolerate it!

I am getting up, getitng a shower and doing stuff right now!

And that's final, young lady!

*scolds inner lazy ass child*

Today is a very big "off" day.

Off days are days I don't feel like doing anything. Where I get up late, if at all, and do nothing but rp, play video games or just daydream till work or something important shows up.

These days are deadly. I love/hate them. Love bitterly cause I can't help say doing nothing feels good. Uphill battle, that's what this is.

I did my morning pages and affirmations at least, and read a chapter of Right to Write. Now if I can only complete the routine by doing the Flylady routine, excercise a little, and freaking write.

I had made some more commitments this week and damnit I'm not going to pretend I have unlimited time to do them or they don't exist.

They include:

-Clean out my fridge/Restock
-Clean out the backroom
-Write a chapter or a complete story (could be a single page or even half of one, as long as it's complete) every day. The key here is to feel an increase sense of accomplishment.
-Module 7 homework

-For Bonus Points: Clean and possibly finish painting work/playroom.

All that by tuesday. Goddamnit...I think I'm already going to fail the third one...

In conclusion, I hate off days. XD

Oh yeah, and in real life, work is starting to drain the life of me. I need more than just two days off. Okay sure, 20hrs a week is pretty good and not that stressful compared to full time workage, but still...I'm always so tired. How do people who work full time write novels?! They're freaking Gods.

I'm going to do my best waking myself up. That's the first mission for today. Yup.

Today I woke up at 5:54am on my own and I was very happy about this.

I think I'm out of my "blues". I feel much better now. More clear headed. Today's my younger brother's birthday! Yay! I want to bake him a cake, but something tells me this isn't going to work since I don't have a working stove...*pouts*

I bought him a new video game, even when he told me not to *bad* But I traded in his already beaten Assassin's Creed so it wasn't so expensive. I'm sure he'll understand XD.

Gah it's getting late and I keep getting distracted! XD

I'm not being productive but I know why. And thus I know how to fix it, I'm just choosing not to at the moment XD. But it's good, cause I'm not feeling...hoplessly unproductive, ya know?

Plus I wrote pretty much what i think the table of contents will be for my book (well only a few chapters have titles anyways) and small summaries for each chapter. It was really motivating. It's like seeing the sketeton, the spine. Makes it more concrete that It's going to be finished. There's the ending, I can see it, I may not be there yet, but it's definitely there.

Very motivating ^_^

That's all for today I think. Yep. XD

Today I'm socializing.

I did that yesterday too. A little too much and usually when I do hang out for long hours during the day and night, I usulaly don't write or do anything at all.

Though it's true I didn't do as much as I could have, I at least did write in my morning pages, played a bit of DDR, read another chapter of Right to Write, did affirmations, got out of bed earlish despite going to bed at like 6am yesterdat/today, and got my eyebrows done. So...not so bad.

Oh and I wrote a little and made a weekly challenge thing on stringingwords! Which is awesome...even if it was only 3k words :p.

Today, I'm going to try my best to look my best. I want to see if I can be more social and relaxed in public and make some new friends. I kind of doubt it, but I still being on the positive side.

Um...what else...

Yesterday, I went to a gay bar with some lesbian friends as well as some straight ones. There was this lesbian girl who looked like a cute boy. I told my friends this and they tried to get us to talk XD but I didn't take the bait and was rather quiet.

I don't know why I didn't talk. I didn't mind, even if something did happen. I mean, I'm not gay or anything, but from the neck up, she did look cute XD. But really, I think I'm just really desperate for a romantic experience. I've never really had one of those besides my own imagination and writing.

Sigh, I wonder if I have to go to the USA or maybe I just need to be more laid back and more like my friends instead of...myself? Gah, even if I was calmer around them and nicer, I'll still only be interesting in deep or nerdy matters instead of gossip or whatever shallow things people say when at bars. I'm usually bored. And I don't even want to be with a guy who isn't at least a little like me, not even for just making out.

Bah, I need to seriously figure this one out. Ah well. Hopefully one day, I will have the romantic experience I've always dreamed of. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,but perhaps someday. ^___^

Today I am frustrated at my inability to keep order.

Bleh. I'm stressing. There's way too much that needs to be done and all I do is write. I believe even strongly now that if I don't get up at a certain time, my entire day goes to hell.

I wrote alot today though. Well not much for my novel, just 650 words, but I finished a short story, but it needs alot of work for it to be...well..good XD. It's over 4k long (if I want to enter it in the writer's digest contest, i need to cut it by 1k words) and today i wrote 1,218words of that. Took too long and done so little. GAH. I wish days were fifty hours long instead of 24 XD.

Yesterday was Valentine's day, nothing special happened. Me and Ivonne stalked a guy at the Blockbuster I work at (he's the new guy) and yeah, that was interesting. Lately I've been craving cake, damnit XD. But like, homemade cake. The one you make from a box. Not sure what flavor yet.

I think I'm gonna keep this short today. Too much to do today, bleh.

That reminds me. I need to remind myself to post in my writing lj XDD.

Today I face my familiar demons.

I wonder again if I'm good enough. I wonder if I'm capable of being a writer, maybe I'm not. I don't know.

When I don't follow a plan I have set up, I feel very discouraged and it's hard for me to try again the next day with the same vigor I had at the beginning of the week. It definitely sets the tone, whether or not I have a good start. I only wrote 909 words yesterday. Well actually it's well over 1k, 1289 to be precise, but only 909 was for my novel. Today, this morning, I only wrote a little over 700. I hope I can get to the page and write some more again, instead of yesterday, where I only wrote in the morning.

I'd like to write several times a day, not just once. And I wish to do other things I say I am going to do. I want to be that kind of person.

I work today, and worked yesterday. It tires me out really. We're cleaning and rearranging the store, so it's more troublesome than usual. And for some reason I'm still tired.

I don't want to go to bed at 3am every night anymore. It's not helping me any. I think I'm going to avoid Aol/AIM until I have finished everything on my list and THEN go on. But if it's too late, then just go on another day. There has to be other forms of communication, of bonding and having fun, than just instant messaging. Like email and message boards, things that be taken slowly and moderately, but still be a fun outlet. Fast isn't always best...even if it is fun. Damn my lack of self control...

That is what I'd like to do. Slow down and be given permission to do so. Whenever I feel I have to go fast and hard in order to catch and keep up, I feel burnt out and tired and just want to give in to excessive procrastination. That's not good.

Right now I'm fighting mental fatigue so I can get more stuff done before work at noon. I think I'm not going to win though. Well at least I wrote something today.

I just hope I can stick in some more writing before the end of the day. At least finish the damn short story, it's only a few scenes short from completion. And also mess with the script software. And read my Directing book. And for God's sake at least TRY to finish the outline before March.

...

Wow it does seem a lot when looked at like that. But I don't know. It feels more like that's just an illusion and it's actually quite easy and satisfying if I just let it be.

Is it me, or does it sound like my whole life revolves around writing and my future career? XDD

Oh and it's Valentine's Day. Nearly forgot again.

Happy Valentines! May love fill your life even if you are single like me! XDD

Today my writing is going a whole lot smoother.

With today and yesterday combined, I've written 3,744 words and am almost done finishing a short story.

Damnit, why don't I post this stuff in my writing journal? I mean, what's it for then? XDD

Lets see...

Desk is amazing. Julia Cameron is also amazing. I need to get back to cleaning. I wasn't able to get up as early as I wanted cause I couldn't hear my alarm clock XD. Though I still got up and still wrote...longer than I should have :p. Now I'm a behind with my cleaning, but that's okay.

Also DDR is way too much fun. That takes away time too XD. But I'm realizing soda + DDR = pain.

Ummm...

Yesterday, I got refocused on what I needed to do. Made lots of commitments that I hope I can keep. I joined FinTEDMo on stringingwords forum, and plan on writing more scripts and short stories.

I realize that if I treat my writing projects as just that, projects, I can get myself to get around to finishing them. Whenever I think about my novel, I think it's such a huge thing that I'll never finish and so I can take my time. But if I think of them as projects that need to be whacked at in chunks and be eventually completed, I'll eventually complete it XD.

Here are my goals this month:

Write 25,000 words or 50 pages of my novel.
Write 1-10 short scripts.
Write 1-3 short stories (I already have them in mind, this is sooo unusual XD)
Sketch Demon and Seth
(optional)Try to complete Outline (funny how I do this while writing the damn novel itself, though I get the strong feeling that if I had written the Outline first, it would go much more smoother, but also that it would have alot less detail and thus less words XD).

Today, I looked over my script from Script Frenzy last year and OMG I love it for some reason. It's not that good really, and there are flaws, especially right before I gave up, but I still think it's cool in a weird way and want to finish it XD. Maybe for next Script Frenzy ^_^.

Other priorities include Life Coaching Homework, Flylady routines (get back on them XD) and try to sleep in earlier.

Yep. XD

Today I wrote for my novel for the first time in a while.

Well, that's a lie. It's just the first time in weeks I had used the original file instead of just opening a new goggledocs file and typing some stuff from memory. I even woke up at 7am and stayed up instead of going back to sleep for three more hours.

I think my idea of putting the alarm clock in another room works XDD.

Last night, I tasted the wonderfully sweet taste of success! I built my desk and managed to make it fit in my dinning room despite the huge table in the way. I love the outcome and as I put my stuff on it, I got this massive surge of motivation and excitement. I couldn't wait to sit down and just start creating. It's working exactly how I intended it to work.

I may or may not take a picture. I feel inclined to, but like always I rarely do. Siiigh.

I feel good. Today I realized what motivates me the most is my pride. When I accomplish something, or create something, or achieve agoal, I feel good, I feel confident, I feel proud. So that's the key. Accomplishments!

They just have to be fun accomplishments. They could be small, as long as it feels like they're big XD. Like the desk. Small accomplishment, but it was straining and difficult to complete and thus it felt like a much bigger success and I felt much more accomplished. Perhaps if I make a bigger deal out of smaller accomplishments it'll produce the same results! Oo, I like how this is going.

Before I go, I wanted to talk a little about my birthday two days ago. I didn't do much. Just went to the mall in Mayaguez as it was closing (damn Sundays XD) and then went to eat something at Chili's. I was conservative for some reason and just got a Philly's cheesesteak sandwhich and a pina colada. No desert. I went with Ivonne. She made the waiters sing happy birthday for me and got me a balloon. I was embarrassed, but in a fun way XD. We took pictures and goofed off XD.

Oh and my presents included some jewlery from her and I bought myself "The Chimpmunk Adventure" DVD (*hearts it from childhood*) from Blockbuster It was only 15 dollars and I still had a gift certificate from Christmas for the same amount.

Then after that I went searching for tools to fix my still unfinished desk, but unfortunately everything was closed and Walgreens was PACKED. So I decided to wait till the next day. I eventually dropped off Ivonne, though she lent me this awesome rock CD. I forget the name of the band, but OMG LOVE. They're famous I think...I think they're called...somethign Sixx or Sixx something. Ah, I'll ask Ivonne next time she comes back from school.

Anyways, so I buy a small piece of cake on the way home. Stuck a candle in it and sang happy birthday to myself before making a wish XD. Then my phone rings and it's my boss calling to wish me happy birthday. That really made my day. I suddenly felt very loved and supported then.

Needless to say. Things are looking much better ^_^